2018, A Reflection

So, it's been a hell of a year.

I know we're a month into 2019 already so reflections on 2018 are so last week, if not lamer, but give me a second. It's basically a year since my hectic 2018 hit the ground running, and I think I deserve some thinking time.

Some admin I was doing earlier triggered a memory from last year of one of my 'plans' for the following year, and it shocked me. Thinking back to that plan, and actually any of the plans I had or was dreaming about, is somewhat bewildering in light of what I am doing this year. So let's take a trip- to early 2018- yesteryear.

2018 started off hot for me. I started the year with the excitement of my first solo international trip building and battling the nervousness. I had already solidified the decision that I was taking a year off studying or pursuing further courses- just to give myself the head space to reevaluate what my next step would be. I had committed to a job on a full time basis. I had, however, dreams of a six month whirlwind in the latter half of the year- hah.

So hardly a fortnight into 2018 and I find myself on an international flight, sweaty palms, overpacked, and no family to squeeze my hand in the seats beside me. If you know me, you know I have a somewhat crippling fear of flying. Thankfully I am also antsy, easily bored, and pretty stubborn- all of which takes my crippling fear from the safety of the airport building, and onto a plane- consequences to be dealt with subsequently. And so began my love affair with the Indonesian island, Bali. And the best two weeks it was. I learnt the discomfort, and adrenaline, of no planning and unavoidable hiccups in the trip. I did so much self reflecting, and I spent a lot of time with myself and learnt to love my own company. Not just in the "going to study alone in a coffee shop" company, but the "paying for one bed in a 16 man backpackers dorm, and knowing no one" company. The "I can't even text a friend to meet me in ten minutes for a coffee" company. The "sit at breakfast and read a book cover to cover while stirring your now cold latte" company.

God, I loved it. I need to take myself on a trip like that again soon.

Back from Bali, I dove head first into my full time job. Still with the mentality of working towards my six month retreat to the Northern Hemisphere later in the year. Come March, and I'm offered what I then thought was my dream job, one that somewhat amputates a large portion of my trip, but one that I was elated with the offer. I happily accept, and so begins the more straining parts of the year.

Details aren't necessary, but The Devil Wears Prada is a good reference if you need one.

Thankfully June welcomes the beginning of my two month trip. My month in London was enlightening and lovely and incredible. Living with one of my best friends for a month- the longest time we had spent together in four years since she moved- and getting to not only see her life but to evaluate if I could mirror it as mine. I explored, I overspent, I overate (hello, dairy free Ben and Jerrys, thanks yes.). I got to see that England does have a summer, but I also got to learn that while I may have always dreamed of living there as my end goal, I might have to reevaluate that. A hiccup in 17 year old me's life plan.

Then back East I flew, not only back to my island affair, but to a new world and culture. Vietnam needs no explanation (you can read the Nam Diaries a few posts back, they tell you about the train and bus rides, the party cruise, the shopping, etc). And really nor does Bali, we know, I love it.

Coming home was where the confusion began. I had taken these two months as my 'gap year'- where 18 year olds try and figure out what undergrad they want to spend their parents money on, or where graduates try and evaluate if their three years had been all for naught. I came back with no idea. All I knew and was confident about was that my job was not a long term spiritual investment. And frankly, that a job of mundane repetitiveness was not for me. And so?

And so began the bi weekly plans and decisions of where I was going.

• I was going back to England and join a Work Away initiative.

• I was going to join one of the Gap Year programmes and work at a school/ au pair in the UK.

• I was going to cash in my TEFL qualification and teach in Portugal or Italy or some fabulous European country.

• I was going to keep my job and study my History Honours online.

• I was going to quit and do my History Honours in person.

• I was going to quit and au pair, while also looking for an apartment in Cape Town.

• I was going to keep my job but look for an apartment in Cape Town.

• I was going to quit with no real plan and just work it out.

• I was looking for jobs in London that would grant me a working visa.

• I was going to intern at a media house or a fashion label to see the options.

• I was going to keep working and try intern/study fashion part time.

• I was going to a fashion college in Cape Town for postgrad.

• I was going back to Stellenbosch for another fashion college.

• I was possibly going to London/New York for fashion college.

• I was considering studying Fashion Design- and even gulping down anxiety at the thought.

I had resigned myself to staying onto my job for one more year until I figured it all out.

And here I sit, in Pretoria, two weeks away from starting my postgraduate course in a Higher Certificate in Fashion Media, my possibly dream degree. It's just a year, but it's a full year of something I want to do, and that I will hopefully love and will be able to walk through doors with.

It's been rough, it's been tiring (so far I've slept almost 12 hours every night since leaving my job about a month ago), it's been enlightening, and it's been trying. It's been worth it though. It also makes you realise the weight of a decision, as well as the freedom of one. Overwhelming as it might be, and was for me, I was lucky enough to have these options. To have a list like the one above, all with relatively feasible ideas for me, all with things that I could do for a year or two and that I never felt would knock me back dramatically, I'm lucky.

And for right now, I'm happy with the one I've made, and am pretty stoked that the stress of the choices is behind me, for now.

Have a lovely day chickpeas!

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